Personal Growth

Personal Growth, Yoga

Are you fear’s b*tch?

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Race day is almost here. Well prepared. Fabulous team. Fabulous coaches. 1/2 IRONMAN BABY!!!!!

WELL PREPARED

At the beginning of this year, I wrote “QUIETLY CONFIDENT” on the dream board. And here we are.

It won’t come easy though. WELL PREPARED doesn’t guarantee perfection. Things happen. Part of the deal, learning to roll with the punches, doing the best you can with THE PRESENT MOMENT.

I’ve been struggling with anxiety during the swim. And now…exercise/anxiety induced asthma. I have a new understanding for those with asthma. It’s terrible. It leaves you feeling shitty, sometimes like you got hit by a truck. Not to mention the irritation, frustration and just plain anger that comes up because of the limitation that can get a hold of you without your permission. There you are. Wheezing. Feeling nauseous. Struggling for that breathe that you’ve been taking for granted for 38 years.

It really sucks when it happens at the beginning of the swim. You look up and you have ONE MILE of this suckage to get through.

One swim is really hard. One swim goes well. One goes not so well again. One race goes well. One goes BAD. Fear plants itself in your mind. Spreads it’s toxic poison. Makes things worse, gas on the fire. Takes space in your mind. Do you let it take space in your heart?

This is an “in your face” example. Do we let this happen to us on a lesser scale everyday? Taking tiny little detours to miss the piles of fear in the road? Not smile at a stranger because we fear they won’t like us. Not lay down some tough love because we fear…losing something, making a mistake. Not speaking honestly, because we fear letting out real feelings, not being accepted, someone calling “bullshit”?

Whatever is it. Being fear’s bitch…what’s it costing us? Can we learn to go right on through it. However messy it might be in the beginning. It’s bound to get better if we stick.

How to go right on through the piles:

1. Put your boots on. Think positive. KNOW that you can do it.

2. Be AWESOMELY OK with less than perfect.

3. Practice being calm. Breathing deeply.

4. Go looking for that place inside your heart, where resides boundless courage and strength. Dig deep.

5. Get after it.

6. Lastly: KNOW this WILL suck less than last time.

From my heart to yours.

Personal Growth, Yoga

DON’T RUN OVER THE BABY GEESE!!!!!

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Driving to work today I saw 2 parent geese trying to shepherd 2 baby geese across 21st street. There were a variety of styles of vehicles slowing down. Not not slowing down. For a moment, I thought one of the cars was going to hit them all. My heart spasm’d. Like STOPPED. “Oh no…PLEASE DON’T RUN OVER THE BABY GEESE!” My heart screamed out to this person a couple of cars in front of me. Someone honked at them, everyone stopped, and these poor frightened baby geese scurried across the street to safety.

What a parallel to how we live our lives. 

Some of us are LOST. In a big way. We don’t see the geese. We don’t acknowledge their place in the world. We don’t acknowledge our RESPONSIBILITY to live cohesively in the world with others EQUALLY. The Disconnected

Some of us sort of get it. We slow down, we might be a bit impatient, and perhaps guilt is what is mainly stopping us. How would you feel if you killed a baby goose. The Fearful

Some of us smile when we see the geese crossing. We stopped in plenty of time, we enjoy the sight. The Peaceful

And perhaps some of us are even more AWARE, watchful and protective. We stop AND we scan around to see that others are aware and stop too. The Warriors

How do you LIVE your life?

For me, honestly, a combination of them all, shifting a lot. My mind next traveled to how I parent my children. Some days I’m totally in a rush. Disconnected. Other times, HONESTLY, some times I got to dig deep and act a certain way with my kids, for fear of…what others will think, how my 14 year old with respond and will he next do what I need because of the “rush” that causes the disconnected and  blah blah blah. Some days I’m in the groove and feel like super parent. And anyone that knows me knows I’ve got plenty of The Warrior, for my kids and everyone else as well.

I think the magic happens when we can sculpt our lives in such a way…to give ourselves the chance at being at the higher levels of living. Knowing that you’re DISCONNECTED is a great step. Look around and see what’s not working. How things could be different. CHANGE IT! Try something different. Reassess.

JUST KEEP LIVING. 

And please stop for the baby geese.

Personal Growth

Toss another LOG on the fire

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Struggle is just another word for growth.

I like to think each is another log on the fire. Burn it for fuel.

We usually try and avoid struggling.  Or find the quickest route out of it.  And with this we have tiny little fires that don’t keep shit warm.

Yoga — escape valves

In alignment based yoga, when we encourage (strongly sometimes) the body to stay in alignment, it’s harder, but we find rewards if we stick. Example: Seat forward fold. And you let your feet rotate like a monkey. This results in missing one of the hamstring muscles. If this is habitual, then you got part of the hamstring that’s tighter than the rest. OUCH. Takes a bit of nagging, but learning to keep the four corners of the feet equally pushing out results in happiness.

Sometimes it’s ok to turn and avoid the lesson, but not because we don’t have the skill to stick.

If you have what it takes, you KNOW what the heck your doing, and you decide, to turn back. OK. That’s educated. Not blind without courage. Some days you just don’t have the energy to stick. You might need to pull back, collect yourself, go at it again later.

BUT…you might need to stick. Or learn how to stick. Learn to keep the fire burning hot.

Check out this experience. It hammered me so much, I laid on the couch for most of the day.

My first open water swim was good. Went smooth, no big deal. So I thought to myself…”CHECK. Another struggle concurred. Fire’s burning HOT!”. hahahaha. Either I was foolish or I didn’t remember to knock on wood.

My second open water swim was a much different experience. It was windy. Strange things were going on in my lungs. OMG. Either I drank too much lake water or I had an asthma attack. Either way. It was REALLY hard. And I was pissed. It wasn’t like the first swim AT ALL. That pissed me off. I couldn’t really get things in check, that pissed me off. Having my “struggle” unchecked, that…you know, pissed me off.

first-open-water-swim1I wanted to cry like a baby and quit. THAT pissed me off.

It was a REALLY BIG CHALLENGE…to try and go back to it. Face in the water, relax, roll, breathe, stroke, relax, roll…come up sputtering, cough up a lung, sputter sputter…relax, roll, breathe, stroke…

I had to shorten the swim, everyone else did 3 laps. I did 2. That…you know, didn’t exactly piss me off, I was starting to feel defeated at this point. Made me want to cry, throw a tantrum, throw in the towel, get out of the water. Yank off my stupid shark fin swim cap and go home saying, “fork it”, “what the heck do I need to do this crazy stuff for anyway…”

My coach kept telling me I did awesome. Part of me was thankful he was there, giving me comfort and warmth, another part of me was saying “whatever, that SUCKED, liar liar liar”. Who was louder…I have no idea. I was feeling really bad, like I was folding in on myself. crazy.

All I knew was that I was going to get on my bike despite how HORRIBLE I felt. I was going to stick. Push through. Wasn’t like I hadn’t done this before. Got it done.

Got home. Thank goodness. Laid on the couch for HOURS. Resting. Recovering. Licking my wounds?

Today I was talking to myself. “You know, Rockstar, that was hard stuff. Probably not the hardest (OMG), but…you made it through it. You STUCK. You learned. You’re stronger for it. Fire’s burning nice and hot today.”

So I guess I should apologize to my coach for calling him a liar in my head.  🙂

Because I AM A ROCKSTAR. Burning nice and hot. And isn’t that a lovely picture he took of another team member. Just beautiful. That’s what I’ll focus on for next time.

Personal Growth, Yoga

Not Just doing …. BECOMING

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We DO diets. We DO New Year’s Resolutions. We DO training. We DO the things that get us to the goal. We DO “be nice and say our prayers”. We try this and we try that. We DO a lot of things.

But what ARE we? What are we BEING when we are DOING all of this DO?

Is there some spot on the map, “DESTINATION”, that we are trying to get to by all this doing?

Am I a crazy stressed out person playing “calm” when I swim or when I attempt to parent my children.

Or am I moving towards BECOMING CALM.

Am I shedding the layers that manifest the crazy stressed out. Am I CALM already, deep inside? Is CALM something I have to learn, or relearn, then BECOME?

The getting to this place called DESTINATION?

Do we throw the map away? Is the spot not the point? Is it about the ability to morph? Go through constant metamorphosis. Always changing. Always becoming. Always ALREADY being at the DESTINATION?

Changing. Really changing. Not just faking it, not sort of lying to ourselves, or playing a part. Really changing. Letting go of ourselves, having faith that the next stage will be more beautiful.

Must be scary for the caterpillar to go into his sack for a bit, sightless. And what an awe; wouldn’t it be cool to experience what the butterfly must experience emerging new. Transformed. ABLE TO FLY. The world to look so different.

Having BECOME something different. To grace the world with beauty.

For real world application. Do you practice yoga and when the series is done, step up to the top of the mat and let everything hang out waiting for the next instruction? Do you slouch in the grocery store aisle? Are you calm with those you want to impress and yell at your children or spouse? Do you give grace to others when they make a mistake, but not to yourself when you do?

Are you DOING? Are you BECOMING?

Personal Growth, Swimming, Triathlon

“Just Relax” – yeah yeah, tell me how…

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Sometimes we know what to do.  Just not how to get it done.

Couple of big sections of my life have intersected in this lesson mastered.

Learning how to not freak out in the pool. It’s a legitimate freak out. I almost drowned when I was little. I have always suffered from speech anxiety. Blah blah blah

The intersection.

During my adventures of “3 boy homeschooling” I’ve learned about the different learning types, how people experience life in vastly different ways. Number 1 is very visual, learns well from reading. Number two is insanely kinetic, learns by feel then by auditory input. And number 3 is a a sponge, learning equally well in all areas.

As a yogi, a big lesson is to learn how to connect with the body, how to control the breath. How to know whats going on, and things to do about it.

As a Gemini, Chinese Tiger. Female. Engineer. I might be more tightly wound than others. So…”just relax” is like a foreign language to me. Just hearing those words makes me more tense. This “just relax” command doesn’t come naturally to me. And I think it’s a bit challenging to work hard but remain relaxed.

So when my awesome swim coach on day one gave me just one homework assignment, to sing “I’m a little teapot” when I’m swimming. To try and relax. I thought “yeah yeah…”. I gave it a big try. Didn’t work.

Surprising because I’m into music in a big way. I even tried Little Bunny Foo Foo, more my style. Nope.

Then an awesome friend of mine, another fishy swimming person, reminded me of a yoga practice…”you love the water, FEEL the water, FEEL your body in the water. Focus on that. Not on relaxing so much, just being one with the water.”

PRESTO! Yoga in the water.  Me, my body and the water were one for 12 minutes.

Strength at Ease

Knowing how one experiences the world, communicating to them as they communicate…things really start to jell.

Gets pretty juicy. Super Fun.

Personal Growth, Triathlon, Yoga

Ironman >>> Power = Engery * Potential

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I’m a mechanical engineer. Crazy good in math and science. So my view of things is a bit different. I don’t think things are necessarily good or bad like we tend to label them. Just energy in one expression or another. I think everything, EVERYTHING, gets recycled. Mountains and volcanoes. Rain, clouds, lakes, ice and oceans. Laughs and tears, smiles and frowns. Words and actions. Thoughts and dreams.

In college I studied the bigger thoughts about science. And it’s totally CRAZY interesting how…10 years later, here I am, an employed yoga teacher using my engineering degree more than I ever have. WOOT!!!! And revisiting all the thoughts presented to me in those crazy classes. Just crazy awesome. Anyway. (I might type “crazy” just a couple more times before I’m done.)

This has been on my mind for awhile. When I rested on “YES, I’m training for a 1/2 Ironman“, I asked myself MANY MANY MANY times…WHY WHY WHY? So the rest of this is why. If you get it… I hope so.

I want to be powerful. I want softness. I want wisdom. I want to find the balance that I CAN ACHIEVE. I believe all of these things fit into the equation of personal power.

So for me…those limits are different than others, I push myself in different ways. Learning the same things. I want to move through this challenge from the heart. To travel through consciously and always having fun. Finding lessons along the way. Learning to honor myself, love myself, take care of myself, learning to keep the  ego at bay. It’s yogic.

I can’t help but get back to this “power” idea. This poor word… power. It’s inherited some bad flack. (EGO + POWER = ???)

Power: without it, NOTHING HAPPENS. It’s just want it is. The ability to do something, with a couple of systems to define it. Electrical, mechanical…It’s what gets you off the couch. Gets that car moving when you push the gas pedal down. Gets you into that situation that that isn’t all that great. Takes power to have courage. Power to get to you to the next crossroad. Overcome the obstacle. Takes power to push through to the next cycle.

Definition of power

1. Capacity to do something: the ability, strength, and capacity to do something
2. In physics, power is the rate at which energy is transferred, used, or transformed.
3. equation

So what are we learning?????

The ability to turn on the power, keep it on as needed, then to shut it down. To be fully charged…full of power. A FULLY charged battery without much crust. Able to use what you got to do…X, Y or Z.

We learn this on the yoga mat, on the track, etc. The difficulty lies when we let the EGO add too much pooh and mess things up. We push too hard. Forget what in the world we are doing. Start competing with the…instructor, teacher, neighbor, magazine cover. We lose ourselves. That’s not uncommon. We do it all the time. It’s a habit. To lose ourselves. (fyi, it’s the power that gets us back to center.)

headstand-balance-1We center ourselves. Turn on the power. Start driving down the road we feel drawn to.

Sometimes you just got to throw it down! Bad ass style. Sometimes with more finesse. Sometimes you let it go by you with just a bit of a nod. Learning to deal with the power, it’s important. Like learning to race a super fast race horse. Where do we practice that? On the mat, the track, in the pool, in the meeting room, at the kitchen table. It’s everywhere. It’s just the words you put to it.

It’s like breathing. If things move, there is power. You want more more of it, learn to use it. If you want to be more efficient, learn to use it well.

Live It OUT LOUD. Anything else is…not human.  🙂

FYI, starting a power yoga class. This is what we will be learning.

Personal Growth

The Train Station called Change

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It’s interesting how life is mainly change, yet we have get a pretty good habit of avoiding change, being very resistant to change. Change can be scary. The unknown can be scary. It seems that we are being programmed to “plan ahead”, “think ahead”, “have all your ducks in a row”, etc. I think planning is important, but not to the point were we aren’t flexible enough to duck and weave.

The other day I was meditating and a picture of a train station come into my mind. A big train station, like one you could experience in New York City. LOADS of people, and sounds. Things going really fast. The trains, the suitcases on wheels, the billion conversations that breeze by the ears. The peeping and bells, the dings and doors opening and closing. The hustle and bustle. The URGENCY.

I was thinking that I’m feeling like I’m standing in the middle of all that, with my life. With all the change going on. Things coming pretty fast. LOUDLY, from all different directions. It can get a bit overwhelming. Couple thoughts seemed to tone it all down.

Remember, you’re standing in the train station.

Not everything I see and hear needs my attention. My time. My effort. I can tune some of it out. Just look around, stay focused, use your plan/guide to help you know which you can tune out. If you’re not going out of the country, don’t look at that sign or sheet.

You can still go slow, even if everyone else is sprinting. Sometimes you might need to hurry your backside along, I think more often we can easily not hurry.

No location is bad. Just different. You’ll learn something along the way.

If you can’t choose with train, make the best guess. Knowing the last mentioned thought. And putting this one with it. You can ALWAYS get back on when you get there and return. You might see something you never expected, maybe even something you needed before you get to the train you “were suppose to be on”.

Change can be unpleasant. Difficult to remain relaxed and in harmony.

Change can also be liberating. Insightful. Fun.

Keep your sense of humor about you. Your plan/guide. And smile.

Personal Growth

Boys, Cinderella and WHEN counting to 10 just doesn’t cut it – part 1

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EMOTIONAL CONTROL

KEEP YOURSELF IN CHECK

DON’T VOMIT INTO OTHER PEOPLES SPACE (your baggage, that is. Well, I guess anything else either.)

That’s what it’s all about, right? Growing up, maturing. Respond instead of react. Try to create a time/space zone, give yourself time to think before something negative comes out of your mouth. Or at least, plan and intend to say/do the things that you say/do. There, that’s the ringer.

Sometimes easier said than done. Depending on the situation, which button it pushes. How deep that button goes. We have the silly pet peeves that make our eyes roll. We have the more important stuff that might cause our blood pressure to go up or the shoulders to become tense. Up on the scale we have the VOMIT IN SPACE, your own or someone else’s. When you really let it fly, or it really flies, or things are just all stinky.

Have you ever tried to not vomit. It’s bad news. If you haven’t, don’t. Free tip of the day that I KNOW is true. All the rest…

The point is, this type of reaction is one that you don’t have a lot of control over. It’s like the saber tooth tiger is standing in your kitchen, looking you in the eye, asking you politely…”You going to freak out or am I going to eat you?” Fight or flight. It’s a primal thing. It’s hard to apply the 10 second thing. I mean, seriously, what chance does the “10 second” thought have in getting through when your ____ is in hyper drive and in the process of taking control of your being.

Whats to do? Practice. Allow yourself in the situation again and practice. Find something that works. To help you create that time/space zone where you can maybe ask yourself, “Will he really eat me?”, “Can I shoot his…off?” “Is there another way to respond?” “Am I having any fun?” “Is this worth getting worked up about?” “Why am I reacting?”

Need an example? Got a nice one for you.

Cole likes watermelon. A lot. I bought him a little one, about the size of a softball on a dose of steroids. So I thought, ok, I’ll let him cut it up himself. (He’s six, he’s good with knives). And admittedly, I didn’t think too far into the future, to consider that the 7 year old would join. So they are both cutting the watermelon, doing good. Bird is eating some, life is good. I’m thinking, awesome. It’s all on the table. Awesome. I DO say the disclaimer, please don’t get watermelon all over the floor. Then I go downstairs to check my email. 5 minutes.

When I went back upstairs, I see them cleaning the floor. Like a boys version of Cinderella. It was kind of cute, for a nano second until I see that just about every surface of the kitchen is covered with water drops. Or watermelon drops. Who knows.  I’m still “good to go” at this point, fulling in control of my SPACE.

Side note: I’m wearing my BRAND NEW running shoes. Newly bought yesterday. That I really like. BIG LIKEY.

It’s really awesome that they are cleaning up their mess, though there will be a lot of work for me. I’m totally past the eye rolling phase, solidly into blood presssure rising. WHY? Oh, I know this answer, I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE PUT UNINVITED STUFF ON MY TO DO LIST. Especially if I’ve just cleaned the floor the day before. And it’s watermelon folks. Just slightly less worse than OJ. STICKY FLOOR. (I have this thing with floors and walking on them with bare feet.) What really gets to me as I’m doing damage control…that I might get my new shoes dirty. OMG! It’s funny and awesome and a bit disturbing all at the same time that I knew that.

And knowing why I was getting upset helped me to calmly ask them to sit and be still. And I did manage a heart felt “It was really good for you two to be cleaning up your mess.”

I did send them all into timeout for 10. 14 year old had just done something really disrespectful, so I get extra points for mufti-tasking my calmness. We had a family conversation on what went on, how mom felt, and each had a moment to say something useful. Which all went really well.

So the Point? Don’t feed the saber tooth tiger, maybe he won’t stick around playing mind games with you.

Here’s what got the watermelon everywhere.

002

HOLY MOTHER. Raising boys is like a circus. They like their tools. They think outside the box. And have a bit of lack of…discretion.

Personal Growth

Finesse. It’s not just a brand of shampoo.

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When’s the last time you got in trouble? When is the last time you did something, and OOOOPPPPSSSS, you made a mistake. Big one, small one…does it matter, we don’t like making mistakes. It’s so darn uncomfortable. What’s to do???

I’d like to start out by saying, I know I’m like a bull in a china store. I know. I’m working on it. I do come by it honestly; my mother is FULL BLOODED German. I’m type A. I was an engineer for 15 years. I’m stubborn. I’m HIGHLY competitive. I spent a lot of years needing to fight for myself, to survive. I’m sure many can relate.

So the unraveling of those knots (samskara for the yogis)…it’s a process. Or a roller coast ride for the adventurous. Here is what I’ve come to know in the last six months or so.

The roller coaster ride NEVER stops. Ha ha ha ha. That’s fantabulous right! So you can vomit each time or you can change how you respond.

How in the world do you do that? Well, lots of ways to get at it. Yoga has got some good stuff. Faith in God is a winner too. But this blog isn’t really about that stuff. Maybe my superstar friend can blog about that! She’s got more of this…FINESSE to talk about those things than I do. 🙂

FINESSE

Skillful management  of your words or actions. (my definition) Here is Websters.

fi·nesse [ fi néss ]  

  1. physical skill: elegant ability and dexterity
  2. tactful treatment: a delicate and skillful approach in dealing with a troublesome situation
  3. tactic in bridge: in bridge, an attempt to win a trick with a lower-value card while holding a higher card not in sequence, hoping that the opponent to the left will not play a card of intervening value

Synonyms: skill, flair, grace, elegance, poise, assurance, refinement

REACT instead of RESPOND. We might feel we need to DEFEND instead of COMMUNICATE.

We might want to close down and protect ourselves instead of being open and maybe consider the possibility that…their side is valid and worth considering. It’s hard to listen how…maybe…you…made…a…mistake.

These things go a long way. “I hear you. I understand. I am sorry, that wasn’t my intention.”

And in the background, or perhaps the fore-ground, ask yourself (REAL FAST): where am I in this, as far as my personal values, ethics, integrity, being authentic. Be honest with yourself. The answer will rocket out at you. Then respond accordingly.

Because being in CONFLICT doesn’t mean anything BAD. It’s not something to shy away from. Granted, it’s uncomfortable, so we do tend to shy away from it. But get this. It’s in those moments of conflict that you receive a lot of clarity. Personal growth. Understanding. Assuming you are paying attention.

How do you get to having that much intentional thought? Presence of mind. Self control over emotions.

Meditation / Quiet Time

Self Study

Patience.  Practice.  Disciple.

Yoga

Conclusion: I don’t think FINESSE is about having this ability to function day to day and never have conflict, discord, issues, blah blah blah. I think it’s about being able to communicate what’s in your heart. Mistake or no. In the moment. My opinion, if it’s in your heart, it’s good stuff, needed somewhere.

P.S.  Mistake = opportunity for growth. Perhaps not a “wrong”, in relation to “right”. A perception. Interactions with humans is messing business, it’s not black and white. So my use of “mistake” isn’t a clear “you did wrong”. Just a…ticket for the Orient Express.

Personal Growth, Yoga

Whats on your Dream Board!?!?!

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A couple of years ago, my Juice Plus mentor suggested that I make a dream board. And I said…”a what??”. A while later, Dream Board training under my belt, I felt empowered and inspired to attempt to do this “DREAM BOARD” thing. You might ask, so what did this training consist of. This mentor of mine, who I totally look up to in a big way, did some sharing and chatting about her dreams and the journey where she saw those realized. WOO HOO. Got me all pumped up. Until the scissors were out, the magazines and that BLANK piece of paper. But I pulled myself through it. It was a small one. I dutifully hung it up where I could see it each day. BECAUSE I truly believed that if she said it would work, then it would. And besides, whats the harm. Ha ha.

And DARN IT if all those things didn’t come true. And fast. It was super cool. And the next obvious thought comes up. I am an educated woman, wouldn’t expect any less from my highly educated mind that I’m still paying students loans for…”hey smart girl, why didn’t you put cooler, bigger, better stuff on there???” SERIOUSLY!

And I thought about that. Are we afraid of dreaming? Do we already judge whats possible before we even let our hearts go? Have we put up these fences, to keep the wild horses in? To be safe?

So I tried a different thought…lets pretend that we are itty bitty, roll the clock back to what we were thinking and dreaming about when we were 10. Give ourselves the freedom to dream that big. That wild. That WHATEVER! And cut THAT picture out.

Because you never really know whats in store. Know that if you put the fence up, you are sure to know what to expect, you’ve been living that already. The unexpected might be a bit scary, but it could end up to be totally super cool.

Just a bit of faith.

So would you be willing to share your dreams. BIG. BOLD. OUT IN THE OPEN?!?!?!

If so, post to facebook. Post on this blog. I would love to know what your dreams are.

My heart believes 100% and 100% more that when you tell your dreams, share them with your lovies, YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE.

dream-board1

And if you HAVE one. and it’s tucked away…pull it out. Look at it. Love it. Then do another one. A FRESH one. Things change. You change. Everything changes. It’s ok. Don’t be afraid of wanting, of having desires. Of wanting different things than others. We are all so UNIQUE. Our dreams will be too. That’s what makes everything to stinkin’ JUICY.

LIVE OUT LOUD!

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